The aftermath – cleaning up after the storm

So if you watch the weather in the US, you saw the Pacific Northwest was pummeled by a few storms over the weekend.  It seems I myself had a few storms too.  Now I stand here poured out and emptier, looking around at the damage.  The vomit of emotions shoved down for god knows how many years now laying at my feet and for the world to see.

I’m not sure I feel any better having let all that out.  The “inner self-parent” voices aren’t being quiet at all.  I’ve broken every one of Grandmother’s rules.  I talked about my family, my financials, my anger, but worst of all, I said words people don’t say in public.  The voices say that good girls don’t share their troubles, good girls don’t complain.  Then there was my first husband, who after a few months of dating pulled me aside and told me I complained too much, and that I should just answer positively when someone asks me a question and just not talk so much.  If I complained, people would not want me around, because no one wants to be asked for anything, they only want to know what I can give to them.

And then the rest of them start in – Yeah, I chose to have children, shut up and parent, suck it up buttercup, It’s not their problem or responsibility.  The fact you can’t have success in your life is because you deserve to be destitute and a lone.  You have to earn success.  You have to earn every breath you take.

So, yeah……And once you put something on the internet, that’s kinda big.  Can’t get do-overs.  So here’s where it goes from here….

  1.  It gets ignored.  My brain is divided on this choice, half says “THANK GOD!” and the other half says “Well DUH, like anyone really cared…”  But, I did kinda send a link for it to Michelle Obama’s office and The Mighty.  Really wishing I hadn’t done that now.
  2. It gets noticed.  That goes into 2 ways.
    1. The world calls bullshit, and I’m educated on the fact that yeah, I am just screwing this up and if I had tried a little harder and made better choices I wouldn’t be in this space.
    2. Someone who can help us tries to, and I get weird about it and screw it up and everyone shows me that I screwed it up and if I had just tried a little harder and made better choices I wouldn’t be in this space.

 

So, feeling too vulnerable…too open…too raw and battle worn.  but – the pressure valve has to blow every once in a while.  Believe it or not, I’m just an exhausted person in an impossible situation I refuse to give up on.  Give me a little bit of a break and think before you talk to me, judge me, or offer advice, because I don’t have the brain space or time or energy to help YOU process my reality.  What you don’t know is what I’m really waiting for is to get in trouble for speaking up, for not having a job, for not being able to send my kids to college, for not having a spotless beautiful house.  I’m waiting to get in trouble.

I made the previous post not for pity or attention.  I wanted to give a window into my head.  I thought maybe if you could understand all the piles of piles of stuff I have to think about every minute that maybe you’d talk to me a little kinder, offer to help a little more, or just maybe count your own blessings in your own life and quit beating yourself up…cuz your life isn’t as bad as you think it is.  If the only thing that gets you outta bed in the morning is the thought that at least you didn’t wake up like I did the other day….take it.  Use it.

Now and then, there is a person here and there who will say I’m an inspiration.  An unintentional one – I don’t do what I do for any reason except I love my son.  If you get meaning out of that, then bless you and have peace.

 

 

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Pearl Manhattan

Life interrupted - this space is changing - stay tuned

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