Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. I suffer from several chronic illnesses, most triggered by stress, so I’ve been in a cascade of flares and what little energy I had was taken up in caring for the boy.
I want to address something that was kinda said yesterday in a comment on my Facebook page. The friend said “you use facebook like a diary” …Yes, I do – and here’s why. People do not understand our life because it is so different from anything they will ever know. Notice I did not qualify with any measurements – it’s just very, very different.
I am using “you” in the general sense, not a direct specific sense. I am not talking to “you” I”m talking bout “y’all” as a population.
You know your own life very well – and you automatically assume everyone else is going along just the same. You have no cause to think outside your own bubble. You have no idea how different my life is – and I think if I could explain it – maybe people would understand a little better – and give us a little relief from the judging.
I’ve had this boy on my own with no help from anyone for 11 years. Are you really going to assume I sat in the corner crying “Woe is me” for the last 11 years? Are you really going to assume I’m so stupid that I just let him sit in his own feces in the corner for 11 years? You’ve known my son for 15 minutes or 15 days, or even 15 months – Please assume that my college degree and years of experience (plus raising 2 biological children, my 2 siblings, my mother, and a few other kids I cared about) qualify me to raise my son without your ignorant ego popping in.
My greatest hopes and fears, my greatest dreams, my ONLY goals in life are this boy, his safety, and his future. You have NO IDEA how much I’ve given up emotionally, physically, and mentally. I have no idea how to be a person anymore. What have you given up for my son?
I have no dreams of ever having a life of my own. It just isn’t possible. What do you care about so much that you’ll give up your soul for it?
The bus monitors overstepped grossly Tuesday afternoon -This person didn’t just kindly ask, this person verbally accosted my son’s caregiver, diagnosing my son with pink eye and prescribing medications for my son, then ordering that my son be kept inside and that I should be mowing my grass. My caregiver has never seen that bus monitor before and the monitor was not wearing identification. This morning, I spoke with my son’s teacher who said the same person verbally accosted the school staff assisting CJ onto the bus in the same manner. I reported the monitor to the supervisor, and also spoke to the driver and the monitor this morning about it. I wish I could say this was the one off though – I wish that I could say this only happens every once in a while. I would say, on average, it happens every time my son leaves the house. Strangers in the grocery store tell me I’m feeding him the wrong foods. Health care professionals tell me I’m not trying hard enough to potty train him. Strangers question why I’m letting him laze around in a wheelchair. Friends ask why I’m not giving him medicine for his allergies. Friends get upset that I decline invitations to events CJ would not enjoy – and would end up being very miserable experiences. And potential partners don’t want the extra baggage. Several times a day, I’m met with judgement.
I get so perpetually tired of people judging me and treating me like I’m an idiot under the guise of “just tryin to be helpful” ….The CPS call back in December, The bus monitors, the “helpful” staff members, most the “professionals” who work with CJ talk to me with this tone – So let me set some things straight.
My house is clean. It is messy, but I bet it is cleaner than yours. Let him who is without blame throw the first stone.
My children are fed – ALWAYS. If they are hungry, it’s because I’m not force-feeding them. Let him who is without blame throw the first stone.
My child is ALWAYS in clean clothes, and his body and hands and face are CLEAN. His hair is cut. His clothing does not have rips or tears. Let him who is without blame throw the first stone.
My bills are paid on time by me with my money and are all current if not paid early each month. I do not borrow from anyone or let anyone else pay my bills. I own my car, my trailer, and everything in my house – I do not buy things on credit. Let him who is without blame throw the first stone.
I try to be kind to everyone. I try to be respectful of EVERYONE, even if I hate your guts. If I cannot be kind, I do not interact. Let him who is without blame throw the first stone.
So, before you look at my son and make assumptions, make sure you aren’t just deferring your own guilt and shame because you cannot understand how I keep going, and you’re embarrassed at your own existance.
Let he who is without blame throw the first stone.