The other side of letting go…

Oh this spiritual spring cleaning thing I’m going through…

I’ve had to separate the things and people who serve me from the things and people who do not.  I’ve had to be brave and tell people I couldn’t talk with them because they set off my mental illness triggers.  Then I’ve had to shut them out without letting them reply.

Then I feel guilty for being so rude – I don’t know this person so how could they set off any triggers.  Then I feel empowered for a moment, because now that I’ve eliminated that situation, I should feel more calm and peaceful.  Should.  I don’t.

Round and around on the carousel of perpetual self-punishment.  Isn’t that what I’m hoping to avoid, though, by standing up?

I was chatting with someone and although he seemed very nice, there was this nagging feeling that was making me so uncomfortable.  Sadly, I didn’t figure it out until after it caused me a panic attack and meltdown.  The person hit memory triggers for me, but instead of listening to the scared little girl inside, I was just pushing her aside, trying to pretend she didn’t exist.  I don’t think that’s the way to deal with memory triggers anymore.  I think now that I know what it feels like to go from nagging anxiety to full panic, I will recognize the feeling sooner and act sooner next time, before the meltdown.

Yes, it’s very sad that I have to “miss out on opportunities” for new friends and companions and such – but it isn’t a good thing for me if it causes me panic attacks.  I hope those I have to shut out understand and do not take it personally.  I have to carefully control my environment.

And the more I gain control, the more peaceful I feel.

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Pearl Manhattan

Life interrupted - this space is changing - stay tuned

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