Because counting sheep doesn’t work for me

And today, another call out of the blue about the CPS case that I thought was over.  I’m not sure how informed this person actually was and I don’t want to speculate on their motivation at digging into this.  However, it was yet another annoying gut-punch that I didn’t need – not today – not anymore.  There has been much external drama that others tried to drag us into, as well as a lot more appointments and evaluations, and I’m trying to foster more and more independence in CJ.  And the more I try to pull away, the more I’m judged because I’m not doing enough for him.  So I’m smothering him and neglecting him at the same time?  Which is it?

I”m beyond being angry – I”m more in a state of bewilderment.  I try to stay present in the moment.  I’m doing my best to mind my own business.  Either give me the help I ask for, or go away and let us be dead to you.  Fence-sitters need to exit the ride.

And here is the thought that will let me sleep tonight:

My caregiver is a mandated reporter – and every day I ask her if there is anything that needs attention – and every day she answers me honestly. Rarely is there anything she sees needs attention – but if there is something, she tells me. She has fulfilled her duty as a mandated reporter in a few situations, so I know she takes it seriously. She’s not covering for me because there’s nothing to cover for.

I’ve fulfilled all my part of the concerns detailed in the CPS complaint against me. I have no secrets or things to hide about my life. The constant invasion of privacy is just something I’m going to have to get used to. I can only be who I am – And I know I’m a good person and a good mother. I have done it on my own because there was no one else to do it. If you want to critique my parenting, please come observe it – even for a few minutes. You’ll see what unconditional love is. You’ll see what a real bond between a mother and a child is. Find fault with that.

There is no complaint anyone could make against me. There is no fault anyone can find with me. I am innocent, as I always have been.

I have a spotless record – well – one traffic ticket for not coming to a full stop before I turned left at a red light – but other than that – nothing. Maybe that intimidates people? I don’t lie. I don’t steal. I don’t cheat. I’m probably the most honest person you’ll ever know.

My kids are healthy, clean, clothed, fed, and sleeping in their own beds with their own bedding, in a safe, clean room with a sturdy roof over their heads. I believe I’ve fulfilled all my responsibilities for the day.

Goodnight.

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Pearl Manhattan

Life interrupted - this space is changing - stay tuned

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