I really don’t know clouds at all

We’ve been to the dentist, the doctor, the speech therapist and the physical therapist for evaluations – and each visit, he behaved as a neuro-typical 11 year old who has speech issues – not like an autistic boy full of anxiety and fear.  During these appointments, I sit secretly smiling in the corner, pretending to check my phone or study the scene outside the window – While the boy behaves better than quite a few adults I’ve seen – eager to please the doctor – the therapist – the receptionist – the person we pass in the hallway – the principal – everyone.  He just wants to make everyone proud and happy.

I’m finding quiet moments – more and more of them – to stop for a second and actually listen to the anxiety stream that runs in my head.  There was a time I needed to run at high-awareness every moment – but the boy has made such progress in his self-regulation and voicing his needs that he doesn’t try to elope anymore.  He knows the boundaries.

I also need to be hyper-diligent because I”m constantly being judged.  I have to be 10 times what the average parent has to be.  I have to be completely transparent.  My house has to be ready for inspection at a moments notice.   My life has to be an open book of the highest moral and community standards.  I’m required to smile and nod politely as “professional” one after another lecture me on the importance of showing up for appointments and following doctors orders – like I have some impairment that causes me to flake out when it comes to my sons care – yeah, how many times have I ditched something important with my kids – for ANYTHING.  I gave up jobs, friends, family, relationships, money, possessions, everything I have and everything I am for my children.  Do you really think I”m going to just flake and decide not to show up for an appointment?  How did you come to this conclusion about me, that I was a junkie flake that left my kids alone at home while I sat in the bar playing bingo?  That was my MOTHER who did that – not me – and last time I checked, I wasn’t liable for her debts.  I do not know what these people have seen in my son’s chart that makes them treat me like this.  I’m the last person in the world to accuse of any thing.  Seriously.

So what do I do with these screamers.  The one voice says “We have to DO something – we can’t sit down – that’s being lazy and they’ll say I’m just not trying hard enough if I have take a break”  and the other voice that says “no matter what you do, it will never be enough.  No one is helping you because you’re just being a whiny baby and making up drama”

I try to watch movies – but so many of them end up having triggers.  I can’t read books.  I watch a lot of self-hypnosis youtube videos.  I’ve thought about therapy – many times – however I’ve been told by several professionals and friends that my situation is not one easily understood – and a counselor would have to be in it to understand it.  Also, I’m so tired of talking about it.  I’ve talked till I”m blue in the face – and it has not helped.

Also, it occurs to me this is the end of summer, school starts a week from yesterday, and once it does, I’ll have more free time…not much more, but a few hours here and there.  Then the issue is what to do during that time that does not cost money and does not require me to give anything – because there is nothing left.  I don’t have the bandwidth for classes or clubs – I don’t want to just hang out at friends houses – I don’t have an office or a job to go to – and my schedule is too unpredictable and funds too low to rent one.

So we climbed the mountain….and we’re almost to the top – and I’m thinking big deal.


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Pearl Manhattan

Life interrupted - this space is changing - stay tuned

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