I hate that I sound so bitter – that I feel so bitter – but bitter’s better out than in – and as I’ve stood up for others, I assert for myself – my page = my words. I’ve never held back but there are times I should have been kinder…softer. Please don’t misunderstand my actions or words as directed at you – any of you – those I have issue with, I look in the eye. It’s only when I feel ashamed I have trouble with talking.
No one means ill – no one means harm. I still believe that people are good, they just get confused about their intentions. This year I have had to let go of the images I held of people from my past – finally standing up to the many more than a few who took everything and gave nothing and telling them the kitchen is closed for them. These are people I had believed were friends for over 20, 25, 30 years – or convinced myself to believe. Allowing the same abusive behavior over and over again. And I knew it. Somehow each time thinking they came back for me – taking what crumbs they tossed while they stroked my head and told me how much better I deserved.
I’m not the type to go vengeful though – no boiling rabbits for me. They just cease to exist to me and I feel nothing for them anymore. So I believe the last of the bridges have been burned – doesn’t matter who lit the torch. And here I sit – Orphaned, Widowed, single mother of a special needs child, three time cancer survivor, Childhood abuse survivor – and alone.
I don’t wish any of them feel proud of how our friendship ended. I’m not a rising phoenix – ever changed for the better by them – It’s just that less life I have left to offer my son. I’m so sad for the world. Everyone is greedy and lazy – and wouldn’t walk across the street to save a burning child if there wasn’t the promise of personal gain.
This post came out as I was trying to write another one. I guess this is what I really wanted to say, though.