Would you give up your life for your child?

Would you give up the hope of ever feeling anyone’s unconditional loving and supportive arms around you again?

Would you give up your meals?

Would you give up your bed?

Would you give up your leisure time?

Would you give up your health?

I have.

No one believes me.

You keep saying two things to me, world.

  1.  “You got this!!” in other words, Not my problem.
  2.   Please make me feel better about not choosing to help you.

 

Prayers don’t help me.  Sending me wish, luck, and “Atta boy!”s doesn’t help me.  A gift card to the grocery store one time doesn’t help me.  Sending me a funny gif or picture on facebook with the big words “HUG”  does absolutely nothing for me.

No one is listening to me.

Not one person in the world is listening to me.

If you were listening, you would have helped a long time ago.

I am not in crisis.  I have an obligation to take care of this child – and provide for all his needs until he is 18 – that is 6 years.  Indentured servitude.  I’m in a prison of sorts.  At least the people in real prison get 3 meals a day, a job, and no responsibilities.  I don’t get any of those luxuries.   No christmas presents or birthday cakes.  No mothers day cards or dinners.  No breakfast in bed.  No one to bring me something from the store – or pick something up on the way home.  No one to let me sleep in.  No one to tell me I’m beautiful.  No one to even tell me I’m ugly.  No one to tell me anything.  You all walked away.

I smoke cigarettes.  I won’t ask anyone to buy them for me because I don’t want the conversation that follows…

“you shouldn’t smoke, it’s bad for you”

A friend doesn’t judge.

“you should quit.  You’ll die from cancer”

I’ll die from exhaustion and malnutrition way before that, thank you.  And if you had been paying attention, instead of telling me I talk about myself too much, you would have just brought me the cigarettes.

I am not sure why I even keep typing here.  No one is reading it.  This isn’t a pity party to get attention – So please don’t feel led to track me down with helpful advice.  It’s just that I get tired of talking to myself – and this is where it comes out.  Maybe I have a shred of hope that somewhere, somehow, someday, someone will show up….and maybe I’m fighting too hard to hang onto that.

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Pearl Manhattan

Life interrupted - this space is changing - stay tuned

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