You feel helpless. I know. It’s okay. I do too.
When I feel absolutely helpless, the bone crushing despair weighs down so hard. I lay down in the quiet and the dark and I breathe. I just breathe.
I don’t focus on a big red ball or chakras or energy or anything – because I have no faith in anything. I just breathe – and I listen to my breath. Sometimes the despair is so hard I don’t want to breathe in again – but I realize if I hold my breath, I’ll just go to sleep and start breathing again – so I breathe in while I’m awake.
I don’t try to bring up images that comfort me – because of the abuse all my life – the things that comfort me were the things I was told comforted me – Things you think are scary are every-day for me – so I’ve always had to comfort myself.
There’s an old computing term called “Garbage in- garbage out” and it applies to the human brain also. I have logged out of Facebook and Messenger and anywhere else online. It was scary at first, all those people might need me for something – and how would they reach me if I wasn’t logged into Messenger 24/7. I turned off the TV – I couldn’t find anything that entertained me – I cannot find one channel or video I can relate to.
So now, It’s just clicked 6 AM. My housework is done for the day. What energy I have to spend today I need to reserve to take care of my son. If there’s any left for me – that’s a bonus. Taking care of my son means preparing, serving, and cleanup of 2 snacks and 1 full meal this afternoon – with only the basic pantry of food – and only foods he will eat. It also could mean caring for him all day if he’s sick. Over the weekend he had a slight cold – He may stay home today.
I’m tired of explaining to everyone why I can’t just join a support group or make some new friends. You aren’t listening. The people drawing 20 bucks an hour and more to listen aren’t listening. What makes you think a stranger will.
So I’m gonna just sit here and breathe until the bell rings for me to cook food. Then I”ll sit down and breathe some more.