Find the quiet.

You feel helpless.  I know.  It’s okay.  I do too.

When I feel absolutely helpless, the bone crushing despair weighs down so hard.  I lay down in the quiet and the dark and I breathe.  I just breathe.

I don’t focus on a big red ball or chakras or energy or anything – because I have no faith in anything.  I just breathe – and I listen to my breath.  Sometimes the despair is so hard I don’t want to breathe in again – but I realize if I hold my breath, I’ll just go to sleep and start breathing again – so I breathe in while I’m awake.

I don’t try to bring up images that comfort me – because of the abuse all my life – the things that comfort me were the things I was told comforted me – Things you think are scary are every-day for me  –  so I’ve always had to comfort myself.

There’s an old computing term called “Garbage in- garbage out” and it applies to the human brain also.  I have logged out of Facebook and Messenger and anywhere else online.  It was scary at first, all those people might need me for something – and how would they reach me if I wasn’t logged into Messenger 24/7.  I turned off the TV – I couldn’t find anything that entertained me – I cannot find one channel or video I can relate to.

So now, It’s just clicked 6 AM.  My housework is done for the day.  What energy I have to spend today I need to reserve to take care of my son.  If there’s any left for me – that’s a bonus.   Taking care of my son means preparing, serving, and cleanup of 2 snacks and 1 full meal this afternoon – with only the basic pantry of food – and only foods he will eat.  It also could mean caring for him all day if he’s sick.  Over the weekend he had a slight cold – He may stay home today.

I’m tired of explaining to everyone why I can’t just join a support group or make some new friends.  You aren’t listening.  The people drawing 20 bucks an hour and more to listen aren’t listening.   What makes you think a stranger will.

So I’m gonna just sit here and breathe until the bell rings for me to cook food.  Then I”ll sit down and breathe some more.

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Pearl Manhattan

Life interrupted - this space is changing - stay tuned

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