Hi. You’ve been worried about me, and I understand. Life has been kind of crazy here – but like all change – it’s never fun – it’s never easy – but it’s usually for the best.
I had stopped most of my hobbies and music work a few months ago because I didn’t seem to have any free time. I was exhausted, and rightly so. Maintaining friendships became difficult because I everyone needs so much, and I felt like I had to take care of them. I felt like I had to keep the earth spinning in space – and couldn’t understand why no one else was helping.
I got depressed. But not a “pop a few prozac and watch youtube” depression. I did my housework – in fact my house was cleaner than ever really – and organized. I took excellent care of my son, and maybe I was even more attentive to him because I knew I was depressed, but I didn’t want him to be depressed too. I spent a lot of time just breathing – just being present in the moment. I danced to a nature video soundtrack – I watched the crows and the seagulls have a turf war over an english muffin I’d tossed in the yard for the squirrels. I watched clouds. I found me.
I uninstalled Facebook and it’s messenger program from my phone, as well as any other chats or peopley places. I turned off the TV. I told my friends I needed some space and some quiet for me. I shared my feelings with people who needed to hear them – I’ve been trying to take care of people who have support systems around them taking care of them – I thought I was their only hope. Now I realize I cannot do for anyone – not right now – and that feels so selfish!!! But in the same respect, right here in this moment – I am content and calm. Nothing externally has changed. Haters will continue to come at me – I can’t control that or anything they throw at me. People will have unrealistic expectations of me, and they will be let down.
The more freedom I give my son, the less he tries to run. His favorite place is sitting next to me on the couch reading a book to me out loud and talking about the story. He always has a hug for me, and doesn’t ask for more than he needs. So 6 more years is fine. I got this. I’m a smart girl. I always figure things out. What happens in six years? Who knows. Right now, I’m going to go fold the laundry and have some breakfast.
Maybe you could try turning off all the media for an hour or two and just watch the clouds. I promise you, you’ll enjoy it. There is no crisis. Manage your self and everything else will be okay.