CJ and I had lots of fun yesterday afternoon. He put one of his favorite cartoons on and we danced and sang along. We laughed so much. Big kid forgot something she needed for an appointment across town, so we did a spontaneous road trip and took it to her. I took all the back roads, not a speed limit over 35 MPH. Reminded me of when I was younger and traveled quite a bit for work.
The weather was grey and rainy just like we like it out here. The stifling heat all summer roasted everything and the grey is like a thick layer of lotion infusing moisture back into the scorched earth. Even the weeds look perked up.
I hope the dramas and games are over. That was scary for me. I’ve been in dangerous relationships before with people who used gaslighting and harassment to control. While I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything that serious, for my own safety and health, I want to say I felt similarly – in those dangerous relationships. I’m just so proud of myself for speaking up when I started feeling that way again – manipulated and devalued – instead of just crumbling down and giving up. I almost did give up. almost. but not this time.
I wonder how long this nagging look-over-my-shoulder feeling is going to last though. I’ve gone from speaking my mind to choosing my words to not wanting to say anything at all anymore. I feel like CPS is around every corner just waiting for me to fart in public or say a cuss word. Lord knows those are horrible crimes. I wonder if they’re going through my garbage. I wonder what in the world I could have done to deserve half of what I’ve been through.
And then I remind myself, it’s not worth getting upset. The cold I have turns any vocal show of emotion into a fit of coughing so I need to stay calm and breathe.
It’s hardest not to get stuck in your head when you are sick in bed.