I love listening to His Holiness the Dalai Lama. It seems every video clip I see of him, he’s talking about compassion. So I’ve been thinking a lot about that – compassion. It’s a hard conversation to have with yourself. Immediately, I felt defensive and guilty. I’m not compassionate enough – there are still people starving in the world. I am not compassionate enough – if I was, someone would be here to love me. I am not compassionate enough – blah blah…always projecting externally looking for my defense. Then I felt very sad – because I see others give compassion – to others – but I see no one being compassionate to me. Back to the guilt and self-hate.
I ruminated on the last emotional brick-bat hurled at me from a kid I turned down to “go with” in 8th grade, who then ghosted me until the 20th reunion, then pulled me in to a very emotionally vampiric long distance 10 year one sided affair, where he ghosted me repeatedly for no less than months at a time. Every contact was him just re-establishing his hold – his knife in my heart for turning him down when we were children. I didn’t know him then – beyond what I saw with my eyes. I still don’t know him now.
I posted the treasure post the other day for him – not that he’ll see it. He’s never been interested in anything about me. It’s important to the rest of you too, because compassion is simply where you put your heart. Where your treasure lies, there will your heart be. Where and who you spend your time with is what you consider to have worth. When you only use words to convey your compassion, you’re simply attempting to elevate yourself. I’m tired of hearing words. Those who care are those who show up.
I’ve been spending my time trying to pay off the emotional crimes of others. I do not own this baggage I’ve been lugging around. I just don’t know what to do with my hands now.