I was raised to be kind to all, no matter how they responded. I was raised to give what I had to anyone else who needed it. I was raised to believe that if I gave enough, I would be rewarded. Think about your own life – You were told this too. Desired behaviors supposedly earned positive rewards.
So I kept on giving – taking the scraps that were thrown to me. I gave to others who never gave back, only took from me to give to the person they cared about. I’ve simply been a charity all my life. All the people I thought were worth investing in (save a very tiny few) never returned any of my investments – just sent their good wishes, while they showed the janitor and the plumber more courtesy than they ever showed me.
“You are not the kind of person I want in my life”
It’s taken me 51 years to find those words.
Luckily, a number of them I wish I could say it to have already died – so I need to forgive myself for those both choices and forgive them too. I have to make the closure there on my own. I’ll figure that out.
The others are still alive – giving to their loved ones – celebrating people they cherish while checking in to make sure I’ll still validate them and tell them what a good person they are. Sadly, the next time they reach out, they will get those words in response. The bullies from school – the ones who looked me in the face every time I started talking and said “That’s nice – nobody cares” – The ones who only wanted me to be their cheerleader.
I’m not able to shut down my heart – I will still care for the world and cry every minute at all the injustice and pain and death happening at the hands of people I thought were intelligent. But I need space to heal myself and love myself – because no one else is going to.
The charity is closed. I will not make you feel better about treating me poorly. I will not validate your feelings.