Just when you think you can’t…

I woke up at 1AM to my brain spinning off into infinity stressing over bills and money and everything else I don’t really have much control over right now, which set off a panic attack and an anxiety attack.  Dread and doom and gloom and panic.  Not something a cup of tea could wash away, I turned on the live stream from the Okeanos Explorer and watched the view off the back deck of the ship.  It was the sky I grew up with.  They were south of my beach – my sand I remember.  There was a noticeable wind, the wind I remember and for a moment, I was back home.  A little while later, I got dressed and went outside for a cigarette.  I started to feel heavy in my feet, like two hands were pressing down on my shoulders.  I stepped onto the small patch of dirt and took a deep breath.  “Just stop.” It wasn’t something I heard, but something I felt, deep inside myself.  “Just stop – shush – don’t argue – just stop.  breathe and stop everything else.  Look at the clouds”  It was me.  I was calming myself down.  I finished my cigarette and went back inside, feeling calm.  “Invasive thoughts – Racing thoughts – that’s what’s going on”  the feeling, my inner voice.  Like a hand reaching through the storm and grabbing mine firmly on the wrist.  As the unwanted thoughts raced up to take hold, I imagined I was batting them away with my free hand.  The storm quieted and moved away.  It’s still over there, I can feel it, and it reaches out at me.  I know it’s there, and I know I have to unthread it, but until I am completely rested, I have to take care of myself.  I noticed our monthly checks had deposited, so I paid all the bills online.  Then I started a load of laundry, got the tires aired up after the first cold snap, found out there’s a nail in my tire, bought groceries, and now I’m preparing to go get the tire fixed.

I went to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.  I popped the pod into the coffee maker and started the machine – Look at me ADULTING!!  I did a celebratory dance around the kitchen.  YAY ME!!!!  I turned to get my coffee and then just stood there watching the coffee pour into the collection pan at the bottom of the machine.  Super Adult forgot to put a cup there to catch the coffee.   And grace over ego every time.  🙂

Just stop – breathe – there is no crisis.

Published by

Pearl Manhattan

Life interrupted - this space is changing - stay tuned

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s