I woke up at 1AM to my brain spinning off into infinity stressing over bills and money and everything else I don’t really have much control over right now, which set off a panic attack and an anxiety attack. Dread and doom and gloom and panic. Not something a cup of tea could wash away, I turned on the live stream from the Okeanos Explorer and watched the view off the back deck of the ship. It was the sky I grew up with. They were south of my beach – my sand I remember. There was a noticeable wind, the wind I remember and for a moment, I was back home. A little while later, I got dressed and went outside for a cigarette. I started to feel heavy in my feet, like two hands were pressing down on my shoulders. I stepped onto the small patch of dirt and took a deep breath. “Just stop.” It wasn’t something I heard, but something I felt, deep inside myself. “Just stop – shush – don’t argue – just stop. breathe and stop everything else. Look at the clouds” It was me. I was calming myself down. I finished my cigarette and went back inside, feeling calm. “Invasive thoughts – Racing thoughts – that’s what’s going on” the feeling, my inner voice. Like a hand reaching through the storm and grabbing mine firmly on the wrist. As the unwanted thoughts raced up to take hold, I imagined I was batting them away with my free hand. The storm quieted and moved away. It’s still over there, I can feel it, and it reaches out at me. I know it’s there, and I know I have to unthread it, but until I am completely rested, I have to take care of myself. I noticed our monthly checks had deposited, so I paid all the bills online. Then I started a load of laundry, got the tires aired up after the first cold snap, found out there’s a nail in my tire, bought groceries, and now I’m preparing to go get the tire fixed.
I went to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. I popped the pod into the coffee maker and started the machine – Look at me ADULTING!! I did a celebratory dance around the kitchen. YAY ME!!!! I turned to get my coffee and then just stood there watching the coffee pour into the collection pan at the bottom of the machine. Super Adult forgot to put a cup there to catch the coffee. And grace over ego every time. 🙂
Just stop – breathe – there is no crisis.