I was watching a YouTube live stream the other day that had an active chat going. Someone joked that they had “triggered” the automatic monitor bot in the channel and someone else joked “Do you need a safe space?” Another person chimed in with “My wife is a teacher – and she tells her students “Your desk is a safe enough space” when they tell her they are feeling triggered. I spoke up that the chat was triggering me and I left.
That is all it takes to trigger my PTSD. That person completely devalued me – my medical conditions – my history – and my whole life with his one callous joke. The rest of the day, I battled with myself – This one little exchange was enough fuel to activate the voices of doubt that tell me this is all in my head – that I’m too sensitive – that I’m making up my history- that I’m just codependent and seeking attention. And the devaluing continues throughout the day. It seems like every interaction I have is me justifying and explaining while no one listens – and others only speaking up to tell each other how awesome they are.
I’m not one to put someone on blast – I don’t enjoy being rude or mean to people – but I’ve just about reached my limit. There’s days where all I want to do is stick up two middle fingers to just about everyone in the world. Users and cheaters and liars and thieves are annoying, but the worst ones are the self-entitled ones – who really haven’t “worked” for anything in their lives but are quick to say I’m just not trying hard enough. If I would just apply myself a little more, my music would take off. If I would just spend a little more time with my son, he’d start talking. If I would just try a little harder, I’d get a job and my life would fall into place.
And here’s where the two middle fingers come in. I am almost convinced there isn’t a community for me – because I have no patience – because the world is full of idiots.